When I move to LA, I hope:
- To have an elderly lady neighbor who has an elderly gentleman suitor who brings her flowers and wears three-piece suits.
- To have annoying and quirky neighbors. (Where else will I get my blog fodder? Because we all know I’m not leaving the apartment. Like, ever.)
- To learn how to turn on my oven.
- To learn how to use my oven.
- To learn how to turn off my oven.
- To learn how to call 911. (In case of an oven fire, obviously.)
- To learn how to make coffee. (My balance on my Starbucks gift cards is dwindling drastically. But if you’d like to increase that balance, here is my e-mail address: benson dot ej at gmail dot com. Donations are always welcome and wanted.)
- To graduate from my twin-size bed to normal adulthood with a normal adult-size bed. (My affinity for PB&J sandwiches and the Disney Channel, however, are a different story, and will therefore remain vital elements to my life.)
- To stock my refrigerator and pantry with nutritional, delicious—but primarily edible—food. (One can’t live off Crystal Light and soy nuts forever, you know.)
And in non-apartment-related concepts, I hope:
- To maintain my vampire complexion. (It’s the only trendy thing about me. And after Breaking Dawn premieres both its parts, I’ll need a new fad to follow. I’m open to suggestions.)
- To make human friends. (They tell me that having regular conversations with my invisible friends and houseplants isn’t socially acceptable. Whatever—you don’t know anything.)
- To keep a scorecard: How many times did Emily trip this week? Today? This hour?
- To be the best, snarkiest, youngest-looking Assistant to the Assistant ever.
That being said, apartment hunting has commenced, as has life-planning. First things to have been researched were, in this order:
- Apartments. (Obviously.)
- Los Angeles Public Library branches and their proximity to choice apartments. (This cheapo ain’t buyin’ no readin’ stuff.)
- Starbucks locations, and their proximity to choice apartments. (I will, however, buy me some $5 coffee beverages in a friggin’ heartbeat.)
- Grocery stores, and their proximity to choice apartments. (Foooooood.)
So far, plans are coming along swimmingly. And if you’re worried about it me, know this: I have no plans to live in a shack on a beach and learn to surf. So chill out already.