The Scheduled Rapture

The Rapture. It’s coming to cities worldwide on May 21, 2011.

That’s tomorrow folks, and for a certain religious group, their world as they know it is going up in flames.
So here’s the thing. Should the Rapture come tomorrow, I will more than likely be ascending on those clouds or buried in the rubble caused by an earthquake. Which leaves the rest of you fighting over my belongings. So here, let me will them away so we’re all clear:
  • To my sister, I leave the string of pink glass beads I stole from my mother, who stole it from her sister. But since we all know Katie is the most angelic of all and will be at those pearly gates before anyone else, this necklace will more than likely be handed down to her niece or someone’s neighborhood dog.
  • To my friend JT, I leave my library. Yes, I call my book collection a library and yes, it’s more exciting than yours. Upon this thought, however, I realize that JT will also be ahead of me on the good list, so in that case, anyone interested should e-mail me for dibs on this one, and JT will approve or disprove of your rightful claim to said books.
  • To anyone who cares, I have a sweet yellow velvety chair. It’s more comfortable than air, so you should be super ecstatic about wanting it and super envious if you’re not the lucky chosen one. So start fighting over it, people.
  • And to the one weird-and-creepy fan of mine, you may rifle through my sock drawer. But only after everyone else has come and gone and left my belongings to rot.
That is all, folks. Contact me if you’re confused, worried, or in a general state of panic about the end of the world. I’ll tell you why you shouldn’t be.
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2 thoughts on “The Scheduled Rapture

  1. It's our anniversary tomorrow and I'm going out for rich Italian food. No rapture better get in the way. Everyone hear that?But I so get the chair, y'all.

  2. Yay!! I've been wanting those glass beads, though I think they look very good on you and would prefer seeing you wear them more often.And you better be in heaven too, mmkay? Not going to like it much if you're not there. Got it?!

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